Hank's Blog!

Colorado. Saturday February 13.

A black Ford F250 was stopped on I-70 Westbound between Frisco and Copper Mountain when police received reports that the truck was “rolling” on the increasingly popular drug, MDMA (a.k.a. Ecstasy, “E”, “X”).

MDMA is one of the most widely used recreational drugs in the world and is taken in a variety of contexts far removed from its roots in psychotherapeutic settings. It is commonly associated with dance parties (or “raves”) and electronic dance music. It is not surprising then, how this story unravels.

A Colorado interstate traveler, who wishes to remain unnamed, observed the vehicle bobbing up and down to the popular Basshunter tune, “Now You’re Gone.” Shortly thereafter, the man witnessed the truck perform an extremely dangerous dance move referred to as the “55 MPH highway fish tail;” and it then became clear that this truck was indeed “rolling” pretty hard. The man reported the truck to authorities who were quickly able to apprehend the vehicle.

As it turns out, the Ford belongs to Caitlin TheCool of Boulder, CO. Also in the car was Henrik DaRockstar, another Boulder resident, and Barkley the dog was there too. After questioning, they noted, “the whole thing is really surprising to us. We’ve had the truck for years now, and never-not-once did we suspect it of taking any sort of drugs.” They also went on to say, “we’re really frustrated that such a good friend would sneak behind our backs like this; it must have been “rolling” all the time. We are really upset that it would “roll” while we were hanging out together; it was really inconsiderate of the truck to put us in such grave danger.”

The truck has been taken to rehab (a.k.a the scrap yard), and Caitlin has a brand spankin’ new truck. She has made it very clear to the new truck that she does not condone drug use, or rolling of any sort.

On a more serious note, Caitlin and I were both fortunate to have walked away from this accident with minor cuts and bruises. Please let this be a reminder to always wear your seat belt.

“Barkley went from sleeping to hitting the ceiling.”

This is the biggest rotator in the state of Colorado.

It recently came to my attention that the sale of endangered species for the purpose of human consumption ranks as one of the most prevalent forms of black market trade in the world.

Food connoisseurs and adventurous eaters travel to remote destinations all around the globe; they seek out secret kitchens and clandestine restaurants, and dish out thousands for the chance to dine on some of Earth’s rarest foods.

One item “on the menu,” that caught my attention was panda meat. Scientists approximate that only one thousand panda bears remain in the wild; and with such a minute population, it is easy to see why so many people yearn for a plate of Ailuropoda Melanoleuca.

When I learned of this, I practically jumped out of my socks. I recalled perusing the grocery store a few weeks back, and I could have sworn I saw a box containing pandasomething. And if memory served me correctly, the item was on sale at a price that (given this new information about the underground restaurants and the big-time-bucks involved) seemingly was too good to be true.

So, I headed down to the market.

It took almost no time for me to find what I was looking for… Envirokidz “Panda Puffs.” I couldn’t believe it! Here I was, with the opportunity to treat my taste buds to some scrumptious panda for a mere $4.59!

I checked out at the register, and felt I was committing a crime. The managers of the store were obviously unaware of their drastic mistake. I could have even called PETA (and in all likelihood had the store shut down), but I acted selfishly and tucked the box into my grocery bag and made for the exit.

Somewhere between my front door and the kitchen, I ripped open the box, shredded the plastic packaging inside, and….

Devastation!

This box contained absolutely zero pandas! I stared into the pouch; the contents were in fact  a gluten free combo of corn balls with real peanut butter coating.

Total let down. I thought for sure I was getting a taste of the elusive panda. I suppose I’ll have to go hunt down these secret eateries. And I better hurry, because the pandas don’t seem to be procreating. What’s up with it, oreo face? I fear extinction for these fuzzy guys is nearing.

Do you think they serve panda with a side of fries?